Hyderabad: As a teenager, Bani Srivastava (name changed) was never interested in marriage. She was happy cycling from home to school, wind on her face, with the majestic French architecture of Pondicherry rolling by. Bani dreamed of becoming a teacher one day.
Deep within, she knew she had to settle down at some point. Eventually, she caved into her parents' wishes and tied the knot, a life decision taken in a matter of weeks by her parents with the friends of distant relatives.
Marriage, at the onset, was blissful. Her husband, an engineer in Delhi, would write her letters. Sending bouquets of flowers from work became regular and romantic dinner dates during the weekends were alluring. She had somehow given in to her new life and found a job at a nearby school in the city where her husband lived.
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However, their relationship would soon take the first blow. A minor argument would snowball and she would have to endure the ugly side of her husband. Bani was slapped. "Two months of marriage and he put hands on me," she tells trying to hide the quaver in her voice.
Bani's marriage came crashing down when her husband refused to pay for her treatment after she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. His family, too, started mistreating her thereon. "I never thought life would become a living hell. I refused to suffer abuse and decided to get a divorce. I am just 30 and I could see my whole life ahead of me," she says.
Bani is currently going through a divorce and legal proceedings are underway. "The fear of trusting someone and uncertainties surrounding it makes me think I would rather trust myself than give power to the partner who can destroy me. I am better off alone than staying in an abusive relationship," she adds.
If numbers are anything to go by, India currently has the lowest number of divorces in the world. According to the global divorce rate index, the divorce rate is lower than 1 per cent. A report published last year said, "Out of 1000, only 13 marriages end in divorce in India. About 1.36 million people in India are divorced. That is equivalent to 0.24% of the married population, and 0.11% of the total population."
Even so, a lower divorce rate doesn't necessarily reflect that couples are happily married. Several reasons like the stigma attached to divorces, and fear of being labelled a divorcee in Indian society keep women in the country from taking the step. Financial insecurity and bringing shame to family play a major part in impacting a woman's decision.
However, as we trudge towards a more progressive society, the new-age Indian women are pushing boundaries and slowly changing the narrative. They are educated, independent, braver if not fearless, and can manage work and child-rearing at the same time. According to the Census 2011, the number of single women in the country increased from 51.2 million in 2001 to 71.4 million in 2011, indicating that women are preferring singlehood over a hostile relationship.
Amicable separation, too, is gaining ground in India. The mindset around divorce, especially among urban adults, is opening up to the idea that separation may not be bad after all. "Remove the stigma around the word divorce. It's better to have a woman who is a divorcee rather than a woman who is in a bad marriage. Educate the people that divorce is not such a bad thing," Mumbai-based Dr Reema Shah, Couples and Family Therapist, is of the view.
Although, Farzana, a resident of Srinagar in Kashmir and a mother of a 4-year-old daughter, Yasmin, had a hard time going through the implications of divorce. Unlike Bani, she also had a daughter to look after which made the separation even more difficult as Yasmin was exhibiting dysfunctional behaviour due to their marital discord and unrest in the environment.
What saved the day for her was the support system from family and friends. However, she is cautious about her daughter and is making sure she is getting all the mental support she needs.
Children of families with high conflict and distress between parents have higher chances of psychological problems as compared to kids of single or separated parents. "Among children, these psychological problems faced early in life may extend in adulthood, impacting their sense of identity and interpersonal attachment," Dr Suvarna Joshi, a Clinical Psychologist and Couple and Family Therapist says.
While Reema suggests that couples, especially those with children, should actively seek therapy. "The couple should get in touch with a professional who will deal with their children while they are going through a difficult time themselves."
Some of the most commonly encountered problems of heterosexual married couples in India are related to the unequal division of the household roles and responsibilities where women are still carrying the double burden of work and home life. Emotional unavailability and disconnect resulting from high-paced work lives and stressors, and sexual dissatisfaction are also among the major reasons for couples opting for divorce.
And Reema suggests "conscious uncoupling" while going through a separation, a term introduced to celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin by their therapist during their break-up and eventual divorce in 2016. It was done to bring the couple on the same page after separation while they could still co-parent their children.
"It's very rampant abroad. It's just catching momentum in India. Conscious uncoupling is a concept where you take all the parties concerned into consideration and then you have an amicable separation, especially where there are children involved," she tells.
What support system can be provided to a woman going through a divorce?
"The first and foremost is not to judge the person by their relationship status. I think it's high time that we reconsider our definitions of a successful relationship/marriage. We need better parameters than the sole length of the time a couple sticks together, Joshi says. "Giving the woman time and space to explore her dreams and hopes and letting her make her own decisions depending upon what she truly wants for herself will constitute as a great support."
Responsibility also lies on the friends and family of the woman seeking separation. "If you see a woman in a bad marriage, friends should enable her to come out of it rather than giving her advice to stay in it.
"Provide a support system for the lady. Make sure she either goes to a counsellor or a woman organisation, but providing these kinds of channels to women is important because it helps them to come out of bad marriages," Reema says.
For 55-year-old Manju, self-dependency took precedence over tolerating domestic violence and societal pressure. Currently running a successful venture in one of the busy alleyways of Bada Bazar in Kolkata, she boasts about her children working at well-placed companies.
"Life became difficult as I had to juggle between work and had to devote time to my children to prepare their lunch for school. But after two decades of separation, I am happy both are doing well in their lives." On why she didn't get married again, she quips, "What's the point of getting married if you are not happy?" Life, to her now, is about being happy more than anything else.
